So, tomorrow is a big birthday in my family — not because of the number attached, but because of the person attached.
I won’t divulge their identity, but suffice it to say this person is sort of a big cheese around here.
And when a big cheese has a birthday, you gotta roll out the big party guns.
And call in the gang from the fields to help us party down.
Here are some of the guys I’m counting on to turn this into a real soirée.
1960 Topps Gus Bell (#235)
1960 Topps Gus Bell is the guy everybody waits for.
You know the drill …
“Man, this party is a drag.”
“Pshaw! Just take another sip of your Hawaiian Punch and gird your loins, dude. This place is gonna explode when Gus gets here!”
I’m stacking the deck for this party, though, by making sure Bell is here before anyone else.
And I’ll also make sure he has a few Yoo-hoos under his belt before the rest of you arrive, just to get the social lube flowing.
1977 Topps Brian Downing (#344)
No far-out birthday party can really get rolling until the mirrored ball drops from the ceiling and the floor tiles light up in sync with a Kool & The Gang classic.
It’s disco city, baby, and no one carries that vibe to us across the ages better than Brian “Get” Downing.
I mean, you can tell by the way he walks, he’s a cardboard man. No time to talk.
But he can dance, dance, dance, and he can also teach us a thing or two about fine shag coiffeury and spectacle chic.
To paraphrase the old song, this man has Paul Williams eyes.
1981 Topps Tug McGraw World Series (#404)
I hated baseball cards when my mom started buying them for me as “toys” in 1981.
I wanted … well … toys.
Army men and Hot Wheels and bubble-pack detective sets.
TOYS.
But even way back then, and even through my poop-colored attitude, this card called to me.
Here was a man in confident celebration of a grand achievement — didn’t matter that I didn’t know who he was or that I couldn’t reconcile the name “Phillies” with my limited understanding of English rules.
I kept coming back to this card again and again, and it was one of my early favorites, even before I considered myself a collector.
So, yeah, this Tug McGraw is helping to celebrate the big birthday. He’s a master at it.
And besides, that crown logo in the lower left-hand corner always reminded me of the Fleer logo, and Fleer bubble gum, in particular.
It’s a cool Topps-Fleer mashup, but more importantly it reminds me …
Dubble Bubble is the champ of the chew around here, and no party is complete with a box or 20.
1986 Topps Billy Martin (#651)
Billy Martin looks stunned to find himself in theYankees dugout once again.
It’s been a long season, a long week, a long game … heck, it’s been a long inning.
Such is life when you’re a human firecracker and your boss is The Boss, intent on stifling your pop but insistent that you also light up the night sky.
Sigh.
But the game is almost over, and rumor has it that Billy knows a thing or two about parties.
He’ll be ready to let loose once the spit on the post-game microphones has started to dry.
I’m saving him a party hat and goody bag. And a few swipes at the piñata.
1993 Donruss Joe Oliver (#586)
There’s always that one friend at every party who gets, uh, happy off his … um … hit-by-pitch maker.
Photographic evidence suggests that former Reds catcher Joe Oliver may be that guy.
No matter, though, because former Reds are almost always welcome at parties around here.
Not Ray Knight, though. It’s in my contract with the Eric Davis Athletic Supporters of America.
Oliver’s in, though. I’ll have Gus Bell watch his Yoo-hoo count.
The +1: 1990 Topps TV Cubs Chuck Cottier (#3)
Consider this a bonus invite.
And don’t see it as sad.
Nah, just like there’s always a Joe Oliver, there’s also that one friend who just can’t stand to leave the party.
He’d rather clean the post-festivities loo than head out into the cold, harsh world alone.
He loves you, man!
That’s 1990 Topps TV Cubs Chuck Cottier.
He gets all choked up just thinking about parting ways after the partying ways are done.
He’s true blue, I tell you. Cherish him.
Just don’t let him near your leather jacket with that leaky face of his.
—
So, now you know what I’ll be doing tomorrow.
Say a little “surprise!” for me if you get the chance, and send warm wishes that my guest of honor enjoys these other guests I have lined up.
I’ll see you next week.
If all goes well, at least.
Thanks for reading.
—Adam